Living the Dream
I feel good. I’m feeling good.
Everything feels... interesting. Sacred and meaningless at the same time.
But meaningless in a good way; like the whole concept of this life being an illusion that a lot of gurus and sages go on about is finally starting to kick in. I’ve been intellectually aware that as a concept, but I’m really feeling it now. Like I’m walking through this life in some kind of dream state.
It’s an interesting place to be. An interesting state of mind.
Circumstantially my life (and the lives of just about every human in the year 2020) certainly couldn’t be considered dream like. Well, maybe a bad dream. Although I feel like my 2020 has been on the more manageable end of the spectrum compared to a lot of the stories I hear.
Of course I still have some stuff going on that’s less than ideal. There’s someone I care about deeply that I miss a lot, shit’s probably going to hit the fan in some way after the election, my hands are hurting as I’m typing this due to some kind of stubborn fucking tendinitis…
All of that is there, but so is this really interesting sense of total ease, calm, and almost curiosity. With the election especially, I’m just fascinated to see what happens — whatever happens.
I’m quite happy for once about living in an apartment, because I have access to this little slice of humanity here. Taking Sophie on her walks around the complex gives me this cool opportunity to kind of feel the pulse of my little microcosm of planetary energy. Sometimes I’ll catch words here and there through an open window, or sometimes it’s completely quiet and I’ll kind of feel and tune in. It’s been so nice lately, walking around at night under the moon and the stars, feeling all tuned in and dream-like...
It feels really cool, and really trippy... like I’m living this life and walking on this planet and interacting with people, but I’m not really here. I’m not really a part of it. I am, but I’m not.
I’m simultaneously more present and more detached than ever.
I find it so interesting. I feel like this is what I’ve been wanting for as long as I’ve been alive. Which brings to mind this great line from the song Take Me Home by Phil Collins that used to make my heart ache:
Since so long I’ve been waiting, but I still don’t know what for.
For so so long, for all my life really, I’ve felt off in some way, and I knew I wasn’t living my ultimate truth. I wanted so profoundly to go “home,” to my ultimate truth or home planet or something — I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly I was longing for; I just knew it was there.
This kind of consciousness that I seem to be embodying lately feels like that sense of home to me.
It’s like I’m coming home to myself.
Something is in really the air, or planets are aligning, or an energetic portal has been activated… something — words don’t seem to do it justice — I just feel good. I feel this knowing that everything is as it should be, even if on a surface level things look a bit fucked. It’s this knowing that’s deep and unshakeable, but also light and almost playful. It’s quite a duality.
I feel like people could start rioting outside my door and I’d just be fascinated in human nature. Sophie is safe, I’m safe — all is well. And more so than being “safe,” it’s more that everything is… illusory.
It doesn’t really matter, and at the same time it does.
Which makes no sense and all the sense in the world, is equally perfect and imperfect, endless and finite — the list of polarities could go on.
All is illusory at the end of the day, and in the meantime I’m just floating through the illusion and doing my part to help people wake up to the illusion and see it for what it is.
I spent so many years wanting to escape this life, so many years wanting to find “home”…
But home is here. It’s always been here, within, latent — the way out is in, as they say.
So that’s kind of it.
I’m walking through life in a dream, and I’m digging it. There’s no story, no need to justify or validate or worry — I’m just continuing on.
Hari om 🙏